#35: High-Achievers: Productive But Rarely Fulfilled (& How To Change That) with Kelly Sheets

Michelle:
It's time to stop being the victim of your over-scheduled life and become the most powerful version of yourself. Welcome to she's got power, you know, somewhere along the way, in my 11 years

Michelle:
Doing this work, I realized most of my clients, big time, high achievers. And that's a mindset by the way, as we're going to talk about in today's episode, while I focused on helping women overcome chronic stress and the health issues that arise from it, which is so common among new high achievers out there today, I want to share a new perspective. So I invited Kelly sheets to the show. Kelly is a leadership coach. She advises naturally curious high achievers to increase their power immune Decatur transparently. This is so cool and find the elusive something more that they sense is as she describes it, the seed of their ultimate fulfillment. Now this episode is brought to you by my favorite natural skincare products and Marie skincare. It's the only thing I use on my skin and all of my listeners. All you guys are invited to try some of my favorite products for just $19. Yeah. If you go to, she's got power.com/skincare bundle, you'll get their illuminating Pearl mask. So good. And the charcoal cacao mask plus they're callin [inaudible] made with green Calen play Sage and lemongrass. How good does that sound? Just 19 bucks for all three and a little goes a long way. Go to she's got power.com/skincare bundle. Now Kelly blew me away with so many insight bombs that she kept dropping during our conversation. If you listen carefully, you'll probably hear my mind exploding a couple of times, Very best way possible. Let's get into it now,

Michelle:
Kelly, thank you so much for joining us today.

Kelly:
Absolutely. I've been looking forward to it.

Michelle:
I really wanted to talk to you because so many of our listeners are women who are in very interesting careers, careers that they have built themselves or that they have advanced in in just a, put a high achievers, really this crowd. So you are in the right spot for us in your 15 years of being intimately involved with this type of person and their, their career and their lives. I know you help, high-achievers sort of find their way, but what are the challenges that you often see them up against?

Kelly:
Well, the thing I think is most interesting about high achievers is first. I'll just say high achiever to me is the mindset. So sometimes it's not that they have a ton of accolades. You know, all these awards are a high level title. It's more that, that They, that they're going to achieve. They're going to keep pushing and they're going to keep finding their way. And so one of the things about that mindset is it's a great asset because when we want to make something happen, we can, we will keep looking for the ways to make that happen. But I think it's also the mind in that form is also our greatest deficit because we get narrowed in to moving forward as the, like the addiction we're going forward. We just keep going and then I'm going to be fulfilled. But in reality, it actually, it becomes a great deficit because we can't see all the possibilities and we often lose that feeling of joy and satiation because we're so focused. Like, like as I'm sure, you know, so many high achievers, it's like they achieve something and before there's like no celebration at all before even completing that thing, they're onto the next thing. And they're just, they're just keep going onto the next thing onto the next thing. And they don't even realize how amazing on what they have achieved, you know? So, yeah. So I would say that's the greatest obstacles. Usually the mind is like the great asset for them, but it's also the great deficit

Michelle:
That hits hard. I got it today.

Kelly:
Yeah, it is. You know, our mind is like incredibly powerful, but if we don't have, we like that higher self is not managing it, it just goes awry. Yeah.

Michelle:
And this makes so much sense because we find ourselves in a real state of burnout because there is no rest. There is no, okay, I've done enough. Right. And then there's the whole trickle down effect into our health. And and you know, often in this, on the show, we're talking about the health problems that are the fallout of the pushing, the pushing and the pushing. I'm interested in the work that you do. Tell everybody a little bit about the consulting and coaching work that you do. I guess, helping us make the most of our, of our mind, the good part of our past,

Kelly:
The, the thing that I found people saying over time, where I really refined into what I do now is I started just recording all the calls, like taking notes. What are people saying to me? And all of these amazing people I was meeting with were saying, there's gotta be something else. And yet they'd done all these great things. So really the work that I do with people now is kind of twofold. I'm called a leadership coaching Sultan because I help people lead others so that they can really find joy in their jobs. So it doesn't feel like they're managing and controlling, but really leading the people around them. So those people are empowered, but the more important step that's often not talked about enough, I think is that we have to be able to lead ourselves first. And when we lead ourselves and I can talk more about that when we lead ourselves, that actually creates a sense of ease, fulfillment, and satisfaction.

Michelle:
And what I found is it kind of Stacy say sheets that like you described as burnout. I used to call it like I had a low grade driving anxiety all the time. It was never enough going, keep going, keep going. And so that, that when I'm leading myself and I become the number one thing that is more important than everyone else around me, I become self-centered in the most, the good way, meaning I'm centered within myself, I'm leading myself. Then everyone else around me gets that benefit. Anyway, I become a much better leader. I can see more clearly and life becomes much more fulfilling. We find that something else that we were seeking outside of ourselves by achieving, achieving, achieving, going, going, going. So it's really like twofold. I help people be leaders of themselves and others so that they can feel really fulfilled.

Kelly:
Wow. And then I'm going to just take that the next step and then not go into that state of driving, you know, exhaustion and then weight gain and everything that falls.

Kelly:
Absolutely. I would actually say, like, I just realized this about a year and a half or two years ago when I started really looking at my life. I thought, what is my greatest achievement truly? And that greatest achievement was not feeling anxiety anymore and not feeling that self judgment and drive that always played to me, you know, coming to a place where I actually really like myself and I'm kind to myself and that allows me to be that way with others. That is the greatest achievement, you know, that I could, and I never would have expected that because it sounds, it doesn't sound profound, but I'm like big and successful, but it really feels that way. And then it allows me to have space to actually have achievements or help others. So, yeah.

Kelly:
That's huge. So you must tell us, actually, I wonder if you can like paint a picture of what it looks like to not be leading yourself and then you could tell us what it is to actually do it.

Kelly:
Yeah. I find that when people are not leading themselves, they are, let's just call it external validation. You know, I'm looking to everyone else to tell me that I'm okay. So when I'm just leading, trying to lead others, I'm not leading myself. I'm looking to what everyone's saying. I'm reacting to the external world. So if you have a certain idea of me, I'm reacting to that, Oh my gosh, Michelle thinks this, or maybe I should be that. Or my boss thinks this or my client or my husband or my children, it's always in reaction. So it feels that's where that low grade anxiety, that burnout. Cause you can never keep up with other people's or institutions, you know, other people's ideology of what's good for us. It's like the never ending scrolling list of ways that you could be better or more, or, but only if I got this or only if I understood this, then I would feel that.

Kelly:
So when we're, when we're not leading ourselves, it's all external. And the world is always changing. You know, people's opinion of us change because their lives change, constructs organizations change. So if we are trying to pin our fulfillment on external factors like that, it becomes exhausting. We're always looking for the next threat to our stability. You know, the opposite of that would be that starting out from this set point, that's internalized within me. Am I centered? Do I, am I being kind and respectful to myself? What do I think? What is that intuitive sense? Let me be responsive to the world. So if you have an opinion, right, I will listen to it and I will choose within a pause. Okay, that's, I'll take this, but that's not really going to be valuable for me right now. I'm actually receiving the external world, but it's going to be based on, what's going to be best for me and the direction I want to go.

Kelly:
And that's a place of power because then I'm basically choosing how to respond to the world. And that's because I am, I can manage my stuff all the time, rather than me feeling like, Oh my God, you know that like I can't fall through, or they need this from me. Or it's like always that low grade panic, which is total adrenal fatigue after a while, you're just like exhausted. So it comes from within I that's where, and that's what true power is really. I think my, the most interesting thing to me is the conversation around powers like power internal power is just fluid. It just radiates out of you and it doesn't require manipulating your external environment to feel powerful. You are relieved yourself, you center, everything comes from me and then I can be more available for you or anyone else because I'm actually have all of my resources right here in available for me. I'm managing myself. Okay. Does that make sense?

Michelle:
I love it so much. And then when you say it though, I am positive. There's at least one person listening is going to go. That sounds selfish.

Kelly:
Oh yeah. It's the best kind of self centered and it, and it is. And I, in the sense of, I would rather be so selfish that I'm conscious of what I'm doing and who I'm being so that when I'm just going to keep using you as an example, because I'm looking at your picture right here, is that when I'm, if I'm engaging with you, if I am so aware of my own self, like, Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm feeling fear right now. So what I'm going to do is this. If I can manage that and realize, wait a minute, I need to get centered first and make a good choice as to how I'm going to interact with Michelle. Then I'm going to interact with you in a, in a way that is more thoughtful of you as well. What the most selfish thing is is that when we're not managing ourselves, because then the world is getting like this.

Kelly:
When I'm not managing myself, I'm anxious among balanced. I might have fear. I might react in anger. You know, I'm co-dependent with people. I need you to do this. So I feel that that to me is the most selfish experience we can have. This is martyrdom. You know, when we're martyrs, we're like, well, I should take care of everyone else first. Right. But really I would rather, you take care of yourself, please take care of yourself first. So that when you interact with me, you're actually present with me. You actually are responsive to me. You're not bringing your past the things that happened yesterday or whatever, with someone else into this conversation. So that's why I think it is selfish. I want to be the best kind of selfish so that I don't touch anyone else with my stuff. You know, I want to be present for everyone else. I want to be available for them. So it's

Kelly:
All right. So let me give an example that I take out from my work with clients, and then maybe you can give us other examples of like, actually like implementing this on idea. So one example of being selfish in this way for my clients would be taking the time to do the yoga class or, you know, telling someone, no, I can't go to that event and like carving out time to go to the grocery store and maybe meal prep or, you know, like put yourself first and these very tangible ways. So th that pops to mind first for me, what are some other practical steps?

Kelly:
Well, I think you're on the right track, especially for this population is like so many people that are going, going, going to the point of burnout. They're thinking they're going to satiate that feeling of like, I've done enough by doing all these things for other people. But when I meet, when I encounter someone like that, that feels like they're just distracted. Right? They're fractured. Their attention is not with me. So if they were to go to yoga class before they came and met with me, and then they were so settled within themselves and they were aware of themselves and then they can meet with me. Our interaction is going to be so different. And so therefore it's like the value that you bring to the world, especially for so many people are like, I want to change the world. I want to do great things.

Kelly:
Well, it has to start from within, because whatever you're doing is rippling out. So if you go to yoga class first or you eat a good meal, or you do the shopping, you clean the house, you do the things that feel like, okay, I'm, I'm settled in. I'm okay. Whenever you meet people, whether that's in business or life afterwards, they're picking up on what, on that resonance, that settled, centered resonance. If you don't do that and you just keep running around, they're also picking up on that resonance. So that's, it's like the ripple effect. Like people, you can't help it. You have a ripple effect, no matter what, if you're cranky and you go into the world and you haven't taken care of yourself, you're still rippling it out. Like one is we'll take the time to like center in and ripple out something good.

Kelly:
And as far as like the secondary part of that is what I see that so many people are afraid to value is that if, if I take care of myself and I eat well, go to yoga class, do my meditation, read the books, whatever, spend time in nature, quietly, not being quote unquote productive. Then when I go and I interact with that next person, the value is so much higher because it's undiluted. Because then I go into that interaction and I'm being myself more, I'm more centered. And that person is going to pick up on that. So the conversation that we have, the interaction we have, if, if your lover, the, you know, if you're sleeping the other, that's going to be better when you're with your children. Like when you're more present, because you've done that, like the pet, the value is so much better. People see us for who we really are. Not all diluted by our mind, like our chaos of our mind.

Kelly:
This is hitting me on so many levels. I can't even tell you Note to self. Yeah.

Kelly:
Really hard to remember this because, and that's all it is I think is remembering because we do get a lot of messages. One of the things I always hear from people is about being productive. And it's like, I wish I could kill that word because it's, so it's such a disease. It's it's, but I need to be productive. Why often we're not being productive. We're diluting and wasting time. And energy is so it's like this confusion where we don't have a clear mind because we're not settled within ourselves. Right. Because we don't do the things to take care of ourselves. We can't even see what productive is. And that's the, that feel illusion. It keeps us powerless because we think we're doing things that matter, but they kind of don't, or they're actually for pulling out the negative effects that we don't want. So it's that word just kills me in so many high achievers are like, but I have to be productive all the time,

Kelly:
Putting the pieces together between health and wellness and you know, everything we're talking about. And, you know, it's, it's one thing to like, eat the salad or whatever the vegetable or something for the sake of it, because it's healthy and you should, or your doctor's that or whatever. But like my thing is, this is how we elevate women in the workplace and the world, right. For us to not be bogged down in all the minutia and running ourselves ragged, but actually being able to show up, clear-headed focused, present, you know, this is how we actually can change the world. And I'm curious what you've seen in your work and maybe in corporate work where women have been able to elevate themselves or those around them by implementing the strategy.

Kelly:
Yeah, mostly what I've seen is, so when I'm working with someone, by the time they're working with me, they're usually feeling pretty confident within their, their ability to the work. But they realize when they come and they say, there's gotta be something else. Usually what happens with this work is they get really centered in, and that knowing rises up and then their work evolves. Not because they take a left turn and start a different career. It'll like elevates their work because they become a better leader of themselves and others, even if they're not in it in a typical leadership position, that's been an interesting thing. I've seen that they may not be like, say the CEO where they've got this whole team below them. They may be just quote unquote, just a member on a team, but their way of being shifts to the place where people are starting to look at them because they're so much more centered and that's so atypical in our culture, but there's so much more centered that there that radiates off them and people start looking at them and asking them for questions.

Kelly:
They're asking them for answers. That's one perception. But the internal change, I think for my clients mostly has been that sense of, they don't feel as frenetic. They don't let things bother them as much. And they feel way more focused like, Oh, wait a minute. I was getting all confused by all this stuff. And I don't feel that confusion anymore. I am not giving the little things as much value anymore. I'm actually focused on what I'm doing, you know, this project or this, you know, oftentimes even in their external life, like their parenting and their relationships feel like they're cleaner and clearer. So they have more, their, their energies more available to them. So they are able to choose, choose, like, where do I want to go? Instead of I'm just going, because this is where it's taking me. The world is taking me, you know?

Kelly:
Yes. Spinning like a top instead of being able to decide. And with that, I wonder, do you see a lot of major changes people deciding to leave a job or get divorced or,

Kelly:
Yeah, that's interesting. Cause I feel like if I was to say like 60% of the clients that come work with me, there's an underlying fear that if they do this work, they will end up leaving their relationship. And so it's, I'm always like embarrassed to say that out loud, but it's true because I think so many particularly women though, I do work with men too. And they, they have very similar trajectories, but I think so many women end up, you know, between parenting and work and being a wife or a partner, they end up putting that like subduing their power, that radiance that they have by being diluted. And they're terrified that if they actually be themselves 100%, that either they will reject or will be rejected within the relationship or the career path or the friends, whatever it is. And what's what I find really fascinating is most of the time, these are not big spinoffs.

Kelly:
Like sometimes people leave their relationships, but that was already happening. Anyway, they were, they were already on that trajectory. But most of the time it's just the affirmation that they can be themselves. And the sky's not going to fall. You know, that, that everything's not going to explode if they're just fully themselves, like maybe their partner will actually enjoy them more and their boss will actually see them or that their opinion will be validated. So I don't see massive changes where people, I would say like 60% of the time people don't do major life changes and they don't do major relationship changes. They actually just become much more themselves within that. Which changes the dynamics of each of those relationships.

Kelly:
It almost probably feels like a different, yeah,

Kelly:
Exactly. It feels very different. It doesn't feel like where they started, but the box, like the title is the same, you know, but they're more fulfilled because they realize all the ways they were wasting their energy, not to not be happy.

Kelly:
Well, that should come as a huge relief to everyone listening. Thank you. Because I mean, from the outset, nobody goes into these things thinking like, Oh, I want to leave my relationship. Right. Then move. And sometimes this does happen as we do personal development work. But but it doesn't have to have, yeah,

Kelly:
I know in all of the personal development, this is a concern like how many times I've heard people express that that is really, and then they won't do the work. Like maybe they sign up for the thing, but they don't do the work completely because there there's that deep seated fear of, Oh my God. If I actually lose the weight, eat really well. Like what if I had all of that energy, I would just be too much. And that is a big thing. It's like the fear of being too much. And that was my biggest fear. Like, well, if I'm actually just all of me, I'm going to be too much for everybody. And so I just diluted myself forever so that I could just, you know, low grade anxiety just burns a ton of energy. Self-Judgment burning energy, you know, not eating well, drinking, all these things, they just burn off our resources so that we can stay nice and comfortably numb.

Kelly:
Yeah. So when you are like fully yourself and you're worried that you're just going to be like so extra, I mean, that has to change maybe some relationships the better, maybe some do fall by the wayside. Yeah.

Kelly:
I'll tell you my own experiences that, and this happens for many of the people I work with as well, but I didn't have to break up with anyone and make any major decisions because as I became more of myself, things naturally occurred. I started being attracted to different people and they started being attracted to me like different. And that was just a natural occurrence. The war me, I became the more radiant, like I, I had a, let's just say a stronger light, I guess. So, so then people who didn't really notice me before noticed me, I noticed people that I hadn't noticed before and the ones that were less interesting, the, the people that I became too much for, and that did happen. You know, I'm a lot in the sense of like, I have a lot of energy and myself, most of the time. So for some people that really gets them uncomfortable because they don't, they're like, I don't know how to be that. So they'll back up, but there was no major blowouts. I didn't find myself highly disappointed. I just felt like, Oh, some of those relationships weren't as interesting anymore. And I didn't keep trying to keep them going. No, my client base changed because I started realizing who I, who I was best suited to work with was a little bit different based on who I was willing to be. So yeah.

Kelly:
So how did you, I mean, making it sound like there was a process of sort of uncovering who you really were and allowing that to shine fully, and I'm wondering, like, what were some of those steps or how did you get there? Well, I think,

Kelly:
I think, I mean a big part of it I would give credit to my is also in self-development and he has a, when we do it together, but really he was the designer of a program called the change motion and it's movement based and not like a exercise movement, but energy movement. He basically taught me how to master my energy. And so that was a huge thing because I started realizing where like each day I was doing subtle practices, subtle movements with my body or energy to realize, Oh my God, that's what it feels like when I'm at the edge of too much. Normally I would just go over that edge and do something to dilute myself so I could get nice and comfortable again. But I won't because I can tolerate this because I'm practicing tolerating it. So that was a big deal with literally doing daily practices to feel like put myself in the position of what would it feel like to be bigger?

Kelly:
What does it feel like when I get smaller? What does it feel like to have these things happening in my body? It was completely going inward. Some of that was just me questioning all the beliefs I had about myself literally over. I actually called my life, the curiosity experiment. Cause I'm always curious, like, is that true, Kelly? Is that true? Kelly? That's probably not true. Kelly, you know, where did you get that from? I'm always being curious about my thought patterns. So often when I'm helping people now, man, just all I'm doing is prompting questions. Not fixing anyone. I'm just asking them to go within and get more curious, like what would happen if you didn't do that? You know, what's available. If you did do that, you know, why are you doing that? So it's very, just being very curious, but a lot of it is that internal awareness of all the signs are inside of me. I heard, you know, like, so that's what it was like pointing it back within me. Instead of looking outside to going back to that external validation, right. Is like going inward. What do I feel? What are the subtle things that I never noticed before? Yes.

Kelly:
So it sounds like you opened up this communication with yourself and witnessed of yourself.

Kelly:
Yeah. And the other thing we talked about was transparent communication. When we first connected was I became very transparent with myself was what's actually here, Kelly, you know, what is going to happen? What are you afraid of? I just became more transparent in that conversation within myself and willing, because like I said, it's risky. You know, what if, what if, when I do this or I explore this, everything falls apart, you know? And that's a, that's a huge kindness to self to realize I am uncomfortable with that, you know? And so that was a big practice. I got intentional. I said, if I die in, you know, this year I would really like to elevate to the point where I'm being love, being kind and being present. So every day I started that was like five years ago. I decided every day I'm going to explore these. What does that even mean? You know, what, what does it mean to be kind, you know, I've learned to be kind to others, but I had no idea what it meant to be kind to myself. So practicing everyday, literally sitting my butt down and feeling within my body, what is the state of being was just kindness. What is that? What,

Kelly:
Yeah. Yeah. Funny. Yeah. Okay. So a lot of like transparent communication within yourself. And then what about with others? Does that same transparency come into play? Because what

Kelly:
I, I learned was,

Kelly:
Again, this,

Kelly:
This is stuff that I learned a few years ago now. It seems so secondhand. So it's kind of nice to talk about it because I realized that by being transparent with others, about what my experience was, what was happening for me, then all of a sudden I had nothing to hide. And so many of us walk around hi, using our energetic resources, you know, using what we have to hide from the world, like our shame, our fear. And so I started just being transparent. Like when I would talk to someone, I would even a client, you know, I would be very transparent like, well, I don't, I don't really know the answer, you know, but let's explore this together, you know? Or I would say to my partner, Jeff, you know, I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now. I'm really afraid. No or whatever it was instead of our typical conversations where we're trying to hide what we feel.

Kelly:
I started just being transparent and that alleviated a huge, huge weight off my shoulders because I stopped trying to be perfect and hiding from the world. And again, that was because I felt that was, that was not mental that cause I couldn't really, you can't really think through being transparent because it's, that's very limited. It had to be because I could feel in my, I got to know myself really well. Oh, that's what I feel. You know, those are the sensations I feel, I don't even know what sensations go with, what feelings, you know? So let me learn that. And then it was like that development of getting to know myself and then not being afraid to share it with anyone like here I am. And that for how incredibly powerful.

Kelly:
I mean, when I think about the way that in business, in particular, when we email each other, you know, just so polite and just so nasty round edge of what you're really trying to say and person into, hopefully agreeing with you. I mean, this is the antithesis, right? It is. And that's what I told you. I realized I've had a couple like psychic readings and stuff in the past. And they, and I kind of poo-pooed them years ago because

Kelly:
Me, your conversation in your life is to talk about power.

Kelly:
And I was thinking, who the hell am I I'm like, this was per small person in the world. What are you

Kelly:
Talking about? And now I get it because this is power. When I power is not manipulation. What you just said is like, so key, we learn from business and you know, the top leaders right now in our country, manipulation is the way of power here, bullying. I say this, so you say that right. Or marketing. Okay. They have this problem. So we're going to say it this way so that they say this, right. It's all manipulation, that's it. And it's not like, because you're being a jerk, like you're having an intent. It's just what we attempt ritual. Right. So true. Power has no manipulation in it. It's full transparency. And with that transparency, I've got nothing to defend from you because you can see everything. And I have all of my energy now available because I don't have to try to manipulate you. I'm not using it for that. I'm not worried about what you're going to say or did I say that the right way so that they can hear me the way that I want them to hear me? Nope. I'm just going to be present and say, what needs, what, what I need to say. And then I'm going to listen to you and see what you need you say back. And then I'm honestly authentically going to respond back to you. And

Kelly:
That took me years, years to dismantle

Kelly:
What I learned in business.

Kelly:
Yes. Oh my God. Okay. So I love that. And I think this could be a great takeaway for everybody to just practice. So let's like, come up with a scenario like that. Everyone encounters, maybe someone emails you, and it's an idea. They have something they want you to do. And you're thinking like, this is the worst idea I've ever heard for several reasons. There's no way I'm doing this, but I have to somehow say to them, no great idea. But maybe we could like, what would be like the transparent way of communicating, how you're feeling and the best. Okay.

Kelly:
I'll tell you the four things I came up with. I was like, I got gotta, because when I started training on this, I was like, I have to come up with something so people can remember it. So there are four things I tell people to walk through. And one is having an intention for the conversation. We're about to have, which most of us don't do, because we don't really learn to have an intention to have an intention. Why are you having this conversation? What, what do you, what are you having this response? Why are you responding to them at all? The second thing is be direct. Do not talk about the weather or the, you know, don't talk about their kids. If it's unnecessary, like don't talk about anything. Unnecessary. Let's just get to the point. The third thing is be transparent, which that is the one that needs practice because most of us haven't enough.

Kelly:
So that's the one that's really going to be a glitch. And I have clients that worked with me for months and they still call me up and say, Hey, wait, I gotta have this conversation. Can you, can I tell you what I'm going to say? And you tell me if that's transparent because you still start using what is actually transparent. And then the last thing, the fourth step is check-in and that is, am I being kind? Because if this is feeling unkind, you're not being transparent. So that is just like a checkpoint. So that's then you can stop and say, okay, got to start over again. Don't send me emails. Hey, so now if you sent me the email and you just said, Kelly, I'd like you to, I'd really love to have you be part of this project. I think it would be really beneficial for you for this reason.

Kelly:
And I get the email and I think that is not interesting to me. Nope. That's not good for where I am right now. I need to respond back to her. So my first thing would be my intent is I really respect and love Michelle, but she's asking me to do this thing and I don't want to do it. And you know, I want to be, I want to say my response in a way that she can hear it, it's going to keep our relationship going for the future. My direct thing is, you know, Hey Michelle, hope you're doing well. Thank you so much for the offer. At this point, I'm not really interested in taking on something like this. It's not going in the direction. I want it to period. But I mean, I'm just throwing this out, but if you have anything else come up in the future, please feel free to reach out.

Kelly:
Period Kelly, like that's direct and transparent. I'm not interested. It's not going where I want to go right now, but I really appreciate you. Yeah. Right. Don't need to, and you don't need to make them feel good manipulation. Right. I want them to hear that. I okay. I really appreciate you. And I don't want you to hate me for saying that. No. Like, okay. Forget all that. Just be direct. Like I'm not either, I'm not interested. There's nothing wrong with saying that it's not aligned with where I'm going or I don't have time right now or I'm going somewhere else I don't have right now, this doesn't fit my schedule. Like there's no reason to not be transparent with someone about what the truth is. It's just the truth.

Kelly:
We can be direct. We can be transparent and we can be friendly and kind all at the same time.

Kelly:
Totally. Totally. But anywhere you feel like you're trying to be friendly, just that's where you check yourself. Because that's where usually our desire to please is like, Oh my God,

Kelly:
This is going to be conflict

Kelly:
Now. Just, just check it and be direct. Yeah.

Kelly:
Wow. Yes. I feel like I would need, or many people would need like a little Kelly on your shoulder going like

Kelly:
Right. People like at first yeah. Say something to me. And I said, no, that's not, that's not transparent. That's you're still trying to make yourself feel good. So just, and it's going to take practice, but I swear transparency is so powerful. And can I give you one more example before we go? Yes, please. So changing is like in relationship. When I started being transparent, say with Jeff, my partner, I would actually not have a clue how to be transparent. So when I would say to him, like I was really uncomfortable with something and happened and I was racing through my head. It's like, what do I say? So I would get really baby steps. Jeff. I do not know what I'm feeling right now, except that the sensations in my chest are like really tight. And I feel like it's moving up into my throat and I feel like I want to throw up or cry.

Kelly:
So I don't actually know what's going on, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now. And that was enough for him to see me as a human and realize I wasn't going to give him some story or blame him or anything. He just saw me as like somebody who was really uncomfortable and he could relate to that. So it just, sometimes transparency is just going right back to yourself. I do not know what's going on, but I know that this doesn't feel good and I don't know what to do next. You know, can we visit this later? So it's like really that simple. Sometimes just say what you're feeling, you know?

Kelly:
Wow. Even if what you're feeling is unclear. Yeah.

Kelly:
Yes. It's yeah. I'm feeling this is going on within me. And it's not like I feel this because you said that. No, I just feel this just, this is my experience right now.

Kelly:
That's very powerful because the other way it can easily come out is, well, I'm mad at you because, or you did this thing and it's a small thing and yeah. Triggered me for umpteen reasons. But I'll tell you what's wrong with you.

Kelly:
Exactly. Which is hugely what we learn in communication. I mean, we can go to community cation seminars where they'll teach you that whole, I feel this, when you do this, you have to blame. That's not transparency. I feel this, but that's, as soon as I point the finger at you now I'm giving you responsibility for what I feel powerless that you want to drain the power away from someone. Tell someone else that they made you feel that way. Yeah.

Kelly:
Yeah. Okay. So we're, we're talking about work. We're talking about life. We're talking about. Yeah.

Kelly:
Yeah, because this is, there's nothing separate. Like when you become who you are, like, it's all one how I be everywhere.

Kelly:
How I be, anyhow, I be, Oh, I think I might have to name the episode that

Kelly:
I like it. That's so funny. Cause like there's so many

Kelly:
Way that I could continue to talk to you for hours. So why don't we end here and tell everyone where they can contact you so that they can learn more about this amazing notion of just being ourselves?

Kelly:
Yeah. well the easiest place is just to go to my website, Kelly sheets.com. And if you have questions about this stuff, you can always find me there or email@kellykellyatkellysheets.com. I'm more than happy to take the time to respond to messages there too. I lost the space. It's

Kelly:
So fun to talk about. And you're working privately with individuals for coaching and also organizations. Yes. Privately organizations, I run retreats and a group program. So yeah. Amazing. Well, thank you.

Kelly:
You so much for sharing all this wisdom with us today. It was the bomb. Thanks Michelle.

Speaker 4:
[Inaudible]

Kelly:
Any moments of this interview that I wanted to like stop and write down everything that I was thinking I needed to like journal on moments like when Kelly said high achievers tend to achieve and achieve, and then you can just move on to the next thing and the next, without stopping to appreciate their wins and how that leads to feeling unfulfilled and burnt out. Like, yeah. And I'm also totally going to be practicing this idea of transparent communication in my work, my family, my relationships, like it is the most simple concept. I can't believe how hard it is to do so that's definitely going to take some practice. And then of course this idea of leading yourself first, I think that dovetails entirely with health and wellness taking care of yourself first so that you can then best show up in the world. If you found this episode useful, I would really appreciate your written review on Apple

Michelle:
Casts reviews are how we reach more women who can use this kind of help. And Lord knows there's a lot of women who could use it. Thank you so much in advance for that. And I'll be back next week.

Speaker 4:
[Inaudible].